How to help my autistic child listen when I ask them to do something

• Start with your child’s name

Even if you are looking at your child, or sitting next to them, they may not necessarily realise that you are talking to them.  Your child may not understand that you mean them if you use words such as ‘we, you,’ For example, ‘Ok, we need to get ready’. ‘You need to sit down, it’s dinner time’. These words are too abstract, and can be very confusing which is why your child may completely ignore you. So, start with their name and then pause.

• Don’t insist on eye contact

Eye contact can be painful for some children. You know your child best, if they regularly give either fleeting eye contact, or no eye contact at all, just accept that they can pay attention to what you say, without looking at you.

• Say one thing at a time

This sounds so simple! It is, it’s just really hard to remember, especially in the beginning and other times, like when you are in a hurry and when you have a thousand and one other things on your mind. With practice, this honestly gets easier.  Tell your child specifically what you want them to do, as far as possible in just one word. For example, ‘Noah, coat on.’ (You don’t necessarily have to say ‘coat on’ you could just say, ‘Noah, coat’). This way round, which is much more effective than, ‘Put your coat on Noah.’

Ideas to support you today

• Pause before repeating yourself.
  After you say your child’s name and the instruction, give them a few extra seconds to process. What feels like a long pause to us is often just enough thinking time for them.
• Use visuals where possible.
  Pointing, showing the object, or using a simple picture can help your child understand without extra words. For example, hold up the coat while saying, “Noah, coat.”
• Reduce background noise and distractions.
  Turn off the TV, music, or tablets before giving instructions. Less sensory input makes it easier for your child to hear and process your words.
• Keep your voice calm and neutral.
  A steady, gentle tone is easier to process than raised voices or lots of emotion, even when you’re feeling rushed or stressed.
• Acknowledge effort, not just completion.
  Notice and name when your child tries, even if it’s not perfect: “You picked up your coat. Well done for listening.” This builds confidence and trust.
• Build routines around common requests.
  Doing things in the same order each day (coat, shoes, bag) reduces how much listening is needed because your child knows what comes next.
• Be kind to yourself.
  Some days will be harder than others. If it doesn’t work every time, that’s okay. You’re learning together, and progress is not always linear.